Getting Back on the Horse

A few things have happened since my last post, but the most important happened this evening. I have not been able to do any two-a-days for a week and came back today with a vengeance. Instead of walking the treadmill, I am now riding the stationary bike and I must say that pedaling while sitting down is not as easy as I thought it would be. But, anything to burn fat and calories, right?

So, tonight I pedaled my cholesterol-filled heart out for forty-five minutes. Definitely a personal best for me! My legs burning and wobbly, I gingerly climbed down from the bike and made my way to the locker room. Victory was mine tonight! I had pedaled 11 miles in such a short time and worked up a good sweat. I felt great, and then I saw them. Two slim people, a man and a woman on elliptical machines. I heard the man tell her "look, but don't look". Of course she turned her head, looked at me and immediately began to snicker and they shared a nice laugh together at my expense. Now, I know I am no beauty. I have often been reminded throughout my life that I will never be a looker and I have accepted it. But nothing hurts more than what I just described.

I wanted to cry, but more than that; I wanted to eat. I decided that I would tan and then go pick up a small cheesecake to help me drown my sorrows. Surprisingly enough, Sweet Little Angel and Cute Little Devil did not show up, but while I was in the rotisserie I plotted and planned and tried to justify feeling sorry for myself and then it hit me. How dare they make fun of me and how dare I allow them to make me feel bad! I realize that people make me feel bad about myself because I let them. Lucky for them, they are two pretty people on the outside. They will never have to know how much guts it takes to get dressed, get to the gym and work out on a machine knowing the rest of the gym can see your fat jiggling. They will never know what a struggle it is to bypass all of the goodies, and have celery and water instead. Unfortunately for them, they have a hard time facing their real selves in the mirror and make up for it by making people feel bad when really, they should be applauded for their bravery.

So, I left the gym and stopped by my local Wal-Mart. What did I buy? A new blender and I must admit that my protein shake tasted like... like...VICTORY!!!

Stick A Fork In Me

I was told to take a small break from my two-a-days. The other day, I don't know if it was from pain or frustration; but I completely broke down when Mike gave me a new free weight challenge. My ankle hurt so badly I thought it was broken again. I've graduated to walking the treadmill on an incline and Mike thought maybe I'd put some strain on it and needed the weekend to rest it. I haven't been exactly true to my promise to stay away from the gym. I have noticed that when I have the urge to eat, if I go to the gym I feel much better and even more determined to stick with the program. So, I worked out Friday and Saturday, big deal. I am taking today off.

Last night after an upper body and then hour-long treadmill workout, I decided to use one of the tanning booths at Gold's. I know, tanning beds and booths are supposed to be for the skin; but the more I work out and visualize myself with a svelte body, the more I want my skin to go from a sickly, pasty white to a light, healthy-looking brown. I have lain in tanning BEDS before, but have never used a booth. Basically, you go into the booth, lock the door, disrobe, put lotion on, step through another smaller door, and press the green "start" button. The booth is set on a timer by the girl at the desk and all is supposed to go well.

Okay now, we all know I'm a pretty big girl. Imagine taking all of your clothes off in a telephone booth. Not one of the open-air booths, but one of the old-fashioned ones. I was bumping my arms against the walls, hitting my head on the little shelf on the wall and I was really afraid the entire thing would topple over. I am sure it looked and sounded like two people fighting in there. I finally got the lotion on and stepped through the tiny door into the tanning "area" of the booth. At first, the door wouldn't shut. It kept popping open and I thought it was because my stomach was keeping it from closing tightly. I thought, "Okay, I'll just hold it shut by the handle. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do anyway." So I held it shut, pressed the "start" button and "POP", the lights turned on and the pop made me almost jump out of my skin. Then I realized that when the lights turn on, the door shuts and latches. In case of burning or claustrophobia, there is an "off" button so I didn't feel trapped, exactly.

While inside, I noticed the hexagonal shape and the fact that the bulbs are covered by grates and a strange feeling and image came over me. I actually felt like a Boston Butt roast in a rotisserie except I wasn't moving around and around and didn't have a spike up my ample ass. The lights went out with a pop that was as loud as the earlier one and the small door opened. Again, I fought with my body as I got dressed and put my socks and sneakers on. Before I opened the main door, I took a deep breath sighed to myself, "Another workout down. Stick a fork in me, I'm done... for today."

Two-A-Days

I had a workout session with Mike yesterday and asked him if the one hour per day of cardio I have been doing was enough. Can I do more? Yes-- two-a-days. Yesterday I was only able to get in one cardio workout and my weight-training session with Mike. Today I began attacking things with a vengeance. I got up early this morning, went to the gym and walked two miles on the treadmill in an hour. Went home and ate breakfast, studied a bit, went to class then took my niece Candy to swim practice. I was not finished for the day. Candy and I returned to the gym where she was able to play with new friends in the kids' room and I walked another two miles in an hour. 

It's funny, the things that happen while on a treadmill. My two good buddies, Sweet Little Angel and Cute Little Devil showed up just as things were getting good. 

Me: It's only been a half hour and I am soaked!

Sweet Little Angel: You're doing great! Pretty soon you'll be lean and mean!

Cute Little Devil: Pffftt... don't listen to halo-head, you are red, huffing and puffing, sweaty and seriously stinky!

Me: Do I really stink? Do I look stupid doing this? Is it really going to help me?

Cute Little Devil: Of course you stink!

Sweet Little Angel: Yes you stink, but it's because you are doing something good for your body! Don't listen to him. Look at him, he's lookin' a little pudgy himself. See, he doesn't like himself very much, so he wants you to be miserable alongside him.

Cute Little Devil: Not true, not true! If you say it again I'll stick you with this fork! Now, Elisa; we can settle this once and for all. Look out of the window and tell me what you see.

Me: Burger King... across the street.

Cute Little Devil: That's right, just across the street, a double Whopper with cheese is waiting for you! If you get there quickly enough they might still have soft-serve ice cream for your chocolate shake.

I tripped and was jolted back into reality. Tripping on a treadmill is never fun for the tripper but I am sure it is funny for observers. See, when I tripped, I pulled my earphones which were plugged into my iPhone and the phone took a nice ride on the conveyor belt before hitting the floor. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed and everyone looked innocent enough, but I still think everyone shared a silent chuckle.

My little buddies were gone so I was left alone and began to think about how often I assume I cannot do something. They say that success in sports is 95 percent mental and 5 percent physical. This reminds me of a scene from "The Empire Strikes Back". Luke Skywalker has just tried to raise his submerged ship out of a swamp and failed. He is convinced it cannot be done. Yoda moves the ship out of the mire using his mind and makes it look easy. Amazed, Luke says "I can't believe it!" Yoda replies, "That is why you fail." 

All too often, I don't give myself the chance to succeed. I tend to look at a task and assume I am not able or capable to tackle and master it. The way I look at it is this; if I begin a task believing I can try but will not be able to finish it; I have already doomed myself to failure. Armed with this knowledge, I will attend BodyFlow tomorrow morning. I will stand on one foot, stretch the other leg out, grab it by the foot and hold it there in mid-air. I will let you know how that goes.

Getting out of bed this morning was pretty easy. I guess it was because I had something new to look forward to. My plan: Eat breakfast, go to BodyFlow and then work out with Mike.... ah... a very nice morning. I ate my usual omelet but skipped the oatmeal, which turned out to be a mistake. By the end of the workout I had completely run out of steam.


BodyFlow is something new for me and it was interesting. It's a low impact aerobic activity that incorporates Tai Chi, Yoga, and Pilates. The only one I was familiar with was Tai Chi and I think I will enjoy yoga and pilates as well. I did relatively well, given my ankle injury but balancing is challenging! I couldn't do everything the same way as everyone else, but I did what I could. One thing you might find funny is that I was outmatched by a pregnant woman. Not just pregnant, but pregnant with TWINS!!! Thirty-two weeks pregnant too! It's all good though because again, I pushed myself as hard as I could and did my best.


I had a half-hour break between BodyFlow and my appointment with Mike. Of course, I read the paper and drank a cup of coffee. I mean, why work out on the treadmill, right? We worked my lower body today. Oh my goodness, it wasn't as difficult as the upper body workout but still... Anyway, I pushed through all of it, all the while chanting "Go the distance, go the distance" in my head. It really does work! My chant sounded like an 88rpm record when I was holding a weight and high-stepping across the gym floor and kick-stepping all the way back. Twice each way! It was brutal, but I know it will work.

Curt and Betty

My inspiration today came from Curt who is 81 and Betty who is 77. I wrote a lot of papers last semester, most centering around the concept of "active aging". The idea is to be aware of your health status, manage your diet, exercise your mind and exercise your body. Curt and Betty are both members of Gold's Gym and commit themselves to a regular workout program. They are not the only "older" members; there were a few there this morning. Seeing them working out, not being winded and enjoying life makes me eager to get up tomorrow morning, go to the gym and thank God that it is never too late.

I Am a Good Student

I didn't get to write yesterday; a very long day and I was exhausted at the end. Surprisingly, I felt best while at Books-A-Million and Wal-Mart. Books-A-Million-- yeah, a million books this writer has no interest in reading. Honestly, every time I walk in there to buy a specific book, they have to order it. Anyway, like many other bookstores, this one boasts a Starbuckish coffee spot called "Joe Muggs". I was in desperate need of a caffeine jolt so Kara, Candy and I made a beeline for it as soon as we made some book selections. After ordering a grande regular I waited for Kara's Caramelwhateveritisthatlooksasfatteningashell. I really have to hand it to the coffee joint marketing people. Instead of lining up at the register, you have to line up in front of a... BAKED GOODS COUNTER!!!!!! The muffins and slices of cake were safe behind some rather thick glass, but out of the corner of my eye, just... within... reach... oh my GOD, it's a cookie sliced into wedge-shaped pieces!! SAMPLES! My mind went into overdrive, instantly I had a sweet little angel on my right side and a cute little devil on my left:


Me:"Will it hurt to have just a taste?"
Cute Little Devil: "No! You have been working hard to get your head on straight and you DID have a good workout yesterday. C'mon, a sample never KILLED anybody!"
Me: "Eh, I know I shouldn't. If I give in right now, I will be finished for the day."
Sweet Little Angel: "That's right! Now you're thinking straight! Go for the gold, you've got this!!!"
Cute Little Devil: "But it's chocolate chip! You LOVE chocolate! Hey, look over there! It's Ghirardelli dark chocolate with raspberry filling! I'm tellin' you, don't listen to halo-head over there; indulge a little, you deserve it!"
Girl Behind the Counter: "Your daughter's order is ready."


Once again, crisis averted-- I was able to walk away and the smell of victory was rather pungent.


Cut to Wal-Mart. I have been trying to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart, especially when it comes to groceries. Yesterday, I had so many other things to buy I backslid for the sake of convenience. Everything was going well, found the Southwestern style EggBeaters I like, some nice salmon, tilapia, flounder and chicken breasts. Lots of broccoli, cauliflower, green beans and asparagus; oh and don't forget celery. Things were going way too well, I mean I could sense it. There was a great disturbance in the force. I went around a corner and right there in front of me, on the endcap were chocolate mint oreo cookies. From what I could tell, they were similar to the Thin Mints sold by the girl scouts and brownies. I stretched out my arm and realized that muscle memory is not limited to positive actions and it very well may be that negative muscle memory is the strongest of the two. 


While training him, Yoda told young Luke Skywalker, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Interesting concept when honing a skill but even more interesting and difficult when applied to physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I have learned that I must eat to feel full. I have learned that eating makes me feel happy. I have learned that because exercise makes me gasp for breath, I am doing too much. 


I have always been proud of myself for being an A student. Today I am ready to forget everything I have learned in order to pass this new life course.

Do Or Do Not

I woke up this morning feeling rested and refreshed, sprang out of bed with the agility of a 20 year old and raced to the mirror. Guess what?! I was still fat. A little deflated, yet surprisingly hopeful, I squeezed my butt into gym pants and drove to Gold's Gym to meet my new fitness trainer, Mike. I know I said "Wow" yesterday, but I have to say it again-- WOW. Let's just say I won't be dreading my Tuesday and Thursday morning workouts. Really, he's a very nice guy, and a quite the taskmaster. 

We focused on my upper body today, starting with lat pull-downs. It was what he called a "get to know you" workout. Now, let me say this-- if someone sets a bar for me expecting me to stay below it, I relish leaping over it and making it look effortless. So, Mike set the weight and I got started. The first few reps were easy enough. I mean, I was actually thinking "Nice, this will be on the easy side." I think one of Mike's many talents is mind-reading. Seriously, the force is strong with this one. As soon as the thought entered my mind I swear he knew. He bumped up the weight. I was able to finish the set but it definitely got more difficult and I broke a sweat-- oh dear. It felt great!!!

We worked on several more machines and by the time we got to working out my triceps, my arms felt like boiled noodles. If you do not know where the triceps are, suffice it to say that if they wave when you wave; they need work. I believe they are the most difficult muscle to work. I thought I was done doing tricep presses and we moved on to arm curls. Not too bad, got through those reps pretty well and then I was thrown the curve ball. Back to the tricep presses!!! I wasn't sure I could do any more tricep work, but told myself "I'll try". Then I remembered one of my favorite lines from "The Empire Strikes Back": "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Ah, Master Yoda! I finished the workout and didn't get sick or cry from pain! Laugh if you will, but I find the Star Wars and Rocky movies very motivational. 

Alas, If only there were female Jedi or I were young enough to be a prize fighter... wait, I AM a fighter. I am fighting the Flab Wars; I will not try.

A New Hope

May 28, 2010 222 pounds

This morning my body screamed: "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!"

Wow.

I was too sick last night to have my usual threesome with my two favorite guys, Ben and Jerry; but this morning I could have sworn I was still recuperating from the hangover of our last tryst. Trying to shake off the queasiness and acid-reflux, I got up and began the day. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to face my real problem head on. They say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem, right? Well...

I am an overeater. There... I said it... 

I used to look at people in public and ask myself "How do they just get bigger and bigger?" At the time, I couldn't understand why they didn't just "cut back" on food and maybe walk a little every day when they felt their clothes getting tight. That was when I was. for lack of a better phrase; fit and trim. Yes, I used to be an attractive woman and now I am... well, just an old, fat woman. I never understood, but now I do. I understand, I get it. This is my gut, there are many others like it, but this one is mine-- not something to be proud of; I know.  My relationship with food is one of love/hate. I love it while I am eating, (especially if it is something REALLY bad); but hate not just the food but myself and my weakness afterward. After the high of eating has worn off, I feel depressed, worthless and hopeless. A lot of people do. Add low self-esteem, morbid obesity, and rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder to it and wow, what an interesting personality! But again, it wasn't always this way for me.

A long time ago, in a gym far, far away, I met someone who inspired me and whipped my chunky butt into shape. He showed me that nothing is impossible if you can visualize yourself being there. Then he left to pursue other professional endeavors. So, today I decided to make a stand and take back my life. I got in touch with a new personal fitness trainer. I have evolved somewhat from those days when I would think "Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope", in regard to personal trainers. Today I am thinking "Elisa, YOU are your only hope" and I intend to think it tomorrow as I have my first meeting with my new trainer and all the days afterward.