I Am a Good Student

I didn't get to write yesterday; a very long day and I was exhausted at the end. Surprisingly, I felt best while at Books-A-Million and Wal-Mart. Books-A-Million-- yeah, a million books this writer has no interest in reading. Honestly, every time I walk in there to buy a specific book, they have to order it. Anyway, like many other bookstores, this one boasts a Starbuckish coffee spot called "Joe Muggs". I was in desperate need of a caffeine jolt so Kara, Candy and I made a beeline for it as soon as we made some book selections. After ordering a grande regular I waited for Kara's Caramelwhateveritisthatlooksasfatteningashell. I really have to hand it to the coffee joint marketing people. Instead of lining up at the register, you have to line up in front of a... BAKED GOODS COUNTER!!!!!! The muffins and slices of cake were safe behind some rather thick glass, but out of the corner of my eye, just... within... reach... oh my GOD, it's a cookie sliced into wedge-shaped pieces!! SAMPLES! My mind went into overdrive, instantly I had a sweet little angel on my right side and a cute little devil on my left:


Me:"Will it hurt to have just a taste?"
Cute Little Devil: "No! You have been working hard to get your head on straight and you DID have a good workout yesterday. C'mon, a sample never KILLED anybody!"
Me: "Eh, I know I shouldn't. If I give in right now, I will be finished for the day."
Sweet Little Angel: "That's right! Now you're thinking straight! Go for the gold, you've got this!!!"
Cute Little Devil: "But it's chocolate chip! You LOVE chocolate! Hey, look over there! It's Ghirardelli dark chocolate with raspberry filling! I'm tellin' you, don't listen to halo-head over there; indulge a little, you deserve it!"
Girl Behind the Counter: "Your daughter's order is ready."


Once again, crisis averted-- I was able to walk away and the smell of victory was rather pungent.


Cut to Wal-Mart. I have been trying to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart, especially when it comes to groceries. Yesterday, I had so many other things to buy I backslid for the sake of convenience. Everything was going well, found the Southwestern style EggBeaters I like, some nice salmon, tilapia, flounder and chicken breasts. Lots of broccoli, cauliflower, green beans and asparagus; oh and don't forget celery. Things were going way too well, I mean I could sense it. There was a great disturbance in the force. I went around a corner and right there in front of me, on the endcap were chocolate mint oreo cookies. From what I could tell, they were similar to the Thin Mints sold by the girl scouts and brownies. I stretched out my arm and realized that muscle memory is not limited to positive actions and it very well may be that negative muscle memory is the strongest of the two. 


While training him, Yoda told young Luke Skywalker, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Interesting concept when honing a skill but even more interesting and difficult when applied to physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I have learned that I must eat to feel full. I have learned that eating makes me feel happy. I have learned that because exercise makes me gasp for breath, I am doing too much. 


I have always been proud of myself for being an A student. Today I am ready to forget everything I have learned in order to pass this new life course.

Do Or Do Not

I woke up this morning feeling rested and refreshed, sprang out of bed with the agility of a 20 year old and raced to the mirror. Guess what?! I was still fat. A little deflated, yet surprisingly hopeful, I squeezed my butt into gym pants and drove to Gold's Gym to meet my new fitness trainer, Mike. I know I said "Wow" yesterday, but I have to say it again-- WOW. Let's just say I won't be dreading my Tuesday and Thursday morning workouts. Really, he's a very nice guy, and a quite the taskmaster. 

We focused on my upper body today, starting with lat pull-downs. It was what he called a "get to know you" workout. Now, let me say this-- if someone sets a bar for me expecting me to stay below it, I relish leaping over it and making it look effortless. So, Mike set the weight and I got started. The first few reps were easy enough. I mean, I was actually thinking "Nice, this will be on the easy side." I think one of Mike's many talents is mind-reading. Seriously, the force is strong with this one. As soon as the thought entered my mind I swear he knew. He bumped up the weight. I was able to finish the set but it definitely got more difficult and I broke a sweat-- oh dear. It felt great!!!

We worked on several more machines and by the time we got to working out my triceps, my arms felt like boiled noodles. If you do not know where the triceps are, suffice it to say that if they wave when you wave; they need work. I believe they are the most difficult muscle to work. I thought I was done doing tricep presses and we moved on to arm curls. Not too bad, got through those reps pretty well and then I was thrown the curve ball. Back to the tricep presses!!! I wasn't sure I could do any more tricep work, but told myself "I'll try". Then I remembered one of my favorite lines from "The Empire Strikes Back": "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Ah, Master Yoda! I finished the workout and didn't get sick or cry from pain! Laugh if you will, but I find the Star Wars and Rocky movies very motivational. 

Alas, If only there were female Jedi or I were young enough to be a prize fighter... wait, I AM a fighter. I am fighting the Flab Wars; I will not try.

A New Hope

May 28, 2010 222 pounds

This morning my body screamed: "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!"

Wow.

I was too sick last night to have my usual threesome with my two favorite guys, Ben and Jerry; but this morning I could have sworn I was still recuperating from the hangover of our last tryst. Trying to shake off the queasiness and acid-reflux, I got up and began the day. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to face my real problem head on. They say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem, right? Well...

I am an overeater. There... I said it... 

I used to look at people in public and ask myself "How do they just get bigger and bigger?" At the time, I couldn't understand why they didn't just "cut back" on food and maybe walk a little every day when they felt their clothes getting tight. That was when I was. for lack of a better phrase; fit and trim. Yes, I used to be an attractive woman and now I am... well, just an old, fat woman. I never understood, but now I do. I understand, I get it. This is my gut, there are many others like it, but this one is mine-- not something to be proud of; I know.  My relationship with food is one of love/hate. I love it while I am eating, (especially if it is something REALLY bad); but hate not just the food but myself and my weakness afterward. After the high of eating has worn off, I feel depressed, worthless and hopeless. A lot of people do. Add low self-esteem, morbid obesity, and rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder to it and wow, what an interesting personality! But again, it wasn't always this way for me.

A long time ago, in a gym far, far away, I met someone who inspired me and whipped my chunky butt into shape. He showed me that nothing is impossible if you can visualize yourself being there. Then he left to pursue other professional endeavors. So, today I decided to make a stand and take back my life. I got in touch with a new personal fitness trainer. I have evolved somewhat from those days when I would think "Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope", in regard to personal trainers. Today I am thinking "Elisa, YOU are your only hope" and I intend to think it tomorrow as I have my first meeting with my new trainer and all the days afterward.