May 28, 2010 222 pounds
Wow.
I was too sick last night to have my usual threesome with my two favorite guys, Ben and Jerry; but this morning I could have sworn I was still recuperating from the hangover of our last tryst. Trying to shake off the queasiness and acid-reflux, I got up and began the day. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to face my real problem head on. They say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem, right? Well...
I am an overeater. There... I said it...
I used to look at people in public and ask myself "How do they just get bigger and bigger?" At the time, I couldn't understand why they didn't just "cut back" on food and maybe walk a little every day when they felt their clothes getting tight. That was when I was. for lack of a better phrase; fit and trim. Yes, I used to be an attractive woman and now I am... well, just an old, fat woman. I never understood, but now I do. I understand, I get it. This is my gut, there are many others like it, but this one is mine-- not something to be proud of; I know. My relationship with food is one of love/hate. I love it while I am eating, (especially if it is something REALLY bad); but hate not just the food but myself and my weakness afterward. After the high of eating has worn off, I feel depressed, worthless and hopeless. A lot of people do. Add low self-esteem, morbid obesity, and rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder to it and wow, what an interesting personality! But again, it wasn't always this way for me.
A long time ago, in a gym far, far away, I met someone who inspired me and whipped my chunky butt into shape. He showed me that nothing is impossible if you can visualize yourself being there. Then he left to pursue other professional endeavors. So, today I decided to make a stand and take back my life. I got in touch with a new personal fitness trainer. I have evolved somewhat from those days when I would think "Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope", in regard to personal trainers. Today I am thinking "Elisa, YOU are your only hope" and I intend to think it tomorrow as I have my first meeting with my new trainer and all the days afterward.
Very well written! I love reading your words of Life.
ReplyDeleteI am with you in every way, Elisa. I have had all the same feelings that you have, only not the bi-polar ones. I can't imagine what you must feel like, adding that to the mix.
ReplyDeleteI hear hope in your excellent writing. Hang in there; I have faith in the fact that YOU CAN DO IT.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you. Remember that you are loved.
Well we're off to a good beginning! Remember what I taught you about exceeding your expectations by keeping them reasonable.
ReplyDeleteElisa, I truly respect your bravery in writing this blog so openly and candidly. You are clearly much stronger than you even know-- most people would never be able to summon up the nerve to go so public with this. If you can blog about this, I have no doubts you will reach your goals-- just remember that it takes time and that you will have good days and bad days, the important part is to just keep going.
ReplyDeleteI would like to correct one thing, however. You are not a formerly attractive woman turned old & fat. When I look at this photo of you I still see you exactly as you were in elementary school with that same sweet smile and bouncing pony tail. Yes, you are older (we all are) and yes, you've put on some weight (most of us have), but that does not define you and it does not make you any less lovely.
If I can offer you one word of advice as someone who struggles with the same demons as you and has worked on this same issue for years, be kind to yourself and stay positive. You will have days where you thrive and days where you falter-- love yourself equally on all of those days, and be particularly gentle with yourself on the tougher days. It'll keep you on track.
Good luck!
Andrea Rappaport
Lisa, you have a definite gift to express your feelings into words. Whenever I go to buy a card for someone I always look for a card that says exactly what I want to say and expresses how I am feeling because I don't have the gift to add my own words. After reading your blog above, I feel like I have just received the perfect "card" from you.
ReplyDeleteWhile I hate to see other people suffer, especially friends like you, it's comforting to know that I am not alone in my own weight struggles, inner-demons, and feelings of low self-esteem, etc. Sometimes I feel as though I have fallen to the bottom of a deep, dark well and I am all alone screaming for help and no one can hear me. After reading your blog I feel like you have heard my screams for help!
Thank you!